I didn’t grow up in church. In fact, I came from a dysfunctional family with a capital D. If you’ve read my bio, you know that I was raised the daughter of a professional con man and had a childhood so outrageous that it could be made into a major motion picture. My dad left my mom every spring, and every fall they got back together. Mom was not an affectionate person and after years of continuous heartache, she became bitter and cold. Due to my upbringing, I had absolutely no idea how to be a healthy wife or mother. I felt COMPLETELY and INSANELY unqualified. All I knew was how I wasn’t going to be and what I wasn’t going to do! However, not only did God see fit to make me a mother (twice!), but He decided that I was to marry a Pastor, of all things, and with MY background! That added an additional layer of responsibilities and pressures when it came to mothering!

Obviously, I made a TON of mistakes! I am going to be real and transparent with you and hopefully by sharing some of my uglies (my mistakes), you will find freedom from some of yours. A few years ago, I went through a deep season of surrender with the Lord and through that He revealed to me some areas in my life that I missed the mark on. Some of the character flaws that He spotlighted were that I was:

•overbearing (definition: unpleasantly or arrogantly domineering… OUCH! But if I am honest, especially with my first born, my son who is so like his mother… this described me to a T!)

•too perfectionistic (that’s actually a word) (definition: a personality trait characterized by a person’s striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards, accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations (i.e fear of man)… again OUCH!) Yes, there’s that OCD in me. And wanting to paint that perfect mother, perfect pastor’s wife, perfect Christian picture.

•controlling (definition: having a need to control other people’s behavior, having the power (or wanting the power) to control how something is managed or done. GULP… yep, (raising hand high) BEYOND GUILTY!

•too strict – yes, there really is such a thing… (definition: demanding that people obey rules or behave in a certain way). Maybe another way to phrase this is… I was too religious! GASP! Confession: my kids were on a tight, religious leash.

•selfish (I really hated being called out on that one, because I don’t consider myself to be a selfish person, but the Holy Spirit knows me better than I know myself and when I really thought about it in the following terms… darn, He was right, REALLY right) – For years, I cared too much about what other people thought of the behavior of my children because I thought it reflected on me as a mother. {For example: I thought success in school defined success in life. Therefore, making me a successful mother.} Oh friends, I parented with the completely wrong motives. I made them (my kids) all about ME! I wanted my kids to make ME look good! Yep… SELFISH!

I’m guessing you can identify with some of these things in your own life. Even though hearing these things was painful, I needed to acknowledge them in order to change. And I needed to change in order to be free. I encourage you in the next day or two to take some time to search your heart. Ask God to reveal to you some areas that you may need to work on. Not so you can beat yourself up about them, cause goodness knows we are all really good at doing that…

Perfect example – one day a precious friend of mine was having a complete mommy breakdown. While her sweet family was asleep in bed, she was sobbing on the bathroom floor completely paralyzed with fear that she was ruining her kids and overcome with doubt that she was even capable of being a good mother. Let’s be gut honest… we’ve all been there, right? And on more than one occasion.

During a group text with some other sisters in Christ, my friend, being vulnerable and pouring her heart out, confessed her heartache and deeply rooted fears. My instant response was this question… “Can we REALLY mess up our kids?”

Here is the exact text that I wrote. I think it applies to mamas everywhere, so read it as if I am talking directly to you:

“You are a GREAT mother! (some of you reading this really need to read that again… YOU ARE A GREAT MOTHER!) And you have NOT ruined your kids! Honestly, as a believer seeking to follow God’s will, I’m gonna stretch you with this one…are you ready? I don’t think you CAN ruin your kids! I mean think about it…God ALWAYS works ALL things together for our good. He is SO powerful He can take any flub or mistake we make and turn it around. You have a sincere heart and have consecrated your kiddos to the Lord. He has entrusted YOU to shepherd and teach them, but they will never find their all in all in us as mothers.

AND not only am I a kid that wasn’t ruined, this mama can speak from MUCH experience! I made MANY, MANY, MANY mistakes with Joe, but in spite of them (and with me often getting in His way), God HAS and IS redeeming them ALL!
TRUST that Abba will help you mother your littles, but FORGIVE yourself when you fall short. And then ask Him to redeem any mistake you make. He is FAITHFUL and will GLADLY do so!”

That text was all God and not me. I don’t know if you’ve ever had those times where your fingers type faster than your brain can even process what you’re saying, let alone thinking? Honestly, I am not sure that I had even proposed that question of the possibility of not being able to mess up our kids to myself, let alone for that to spew out as if I had a deep conviction about it.

Oh, but I do now! And it has brought freedom like you wouldn’t believe!

Part Two