“We absorb shame in 3 seconds, BUT it takes about 30 seconds to absorb a compliment!”

This statement by Curt Thompson, who is a Christian psychiatrist in private practice, has been a huge eye opener for me! When he shared this at the IF Gathering this spring and explored with us in detail why and how it works, it made so much sense!

Shame is from the evil one, the one who can only lie, steal, kill, and destroy, the one who wants to rob us of the joy of being ‘fully known’ and hold us captive in our minds and hearts! Shame keeps us hiding, it keeps us from taking responsibility for our failures, because why? Because just maybe if we take responsibility, we may truly be seen for who we are and in truly being seen for who we are, we just may be rejected and abandoned. This is where the enemy of our souls would like to hold us captive, but I declare war on this! May I suggest, what if there is grace? Do you know grace? Do you know how much grace covers you daily? Will you lean in to grace for you?

Here are several excerpts from Curt Thompson’s book, Soul of Shame:

“Shame is a primary means to prevent us from using gifts we have been given. And those gifts enable us to flourish as a light-bearing community of Jesus followers who work to create space for others who wish to join it to do so. Shame, therefore, is not simply an unfortunate, random, emotional event that came with us out of the primordial evolutionary soup. It is both a source and result of evil’s active assault on God’s creation, and a way for evil to try to hold out until the new heaven and earth appear at the consummation of history.” (13)

“When we experience shame, we tend to turn away from others because the prospect of being seen or known by another carries the anticipation of shame being intensified or reactivated. However, the very act of turning away, while temporarily protecting and relieving us from our feeling (and the gaze of the ‘other’), ironically simultaneously reinforces the very shame we are attempting to avoid. Notably, we do not necessarily realize this to be happening-we’re just trying to survive the moment. But indeed this dance between hiding and feeling shame itself becomes a tightening of the noose. We feel shame, and then feel shame for feeling shame. It begets itself.” (31)

“It is helpful to remember that part of shame’s power lies in its ability to isolate, both within and between minds. The very thing that has the power to heal this emotional nausea is the reunion of those parts of us that have been separated.” (34)

“Shame’s healing encompasses the counter-intuitive act of turning toward what we are most terrified of. We fear the shame that we will feel when we speak of that very shame. In some circumstances we anticipate this vulnerable exposure to be so great that it will be almost life threatening. But it is in the movement toward another, toward connection with someone who is safe, that we come to know life and freedom from this prison.” (35)

“To relationally confront our shame requires that we risk feeling it on the way to its healing. This is no easy task. This is the common undercurrent of virtually all of our relational brokenness. We sense, image, feel and think all sorts of things that we never say, because we’re far too frightened to be that honest, that vulnerable. But honest vulnerability is the key to both healing shame-and its inevitably anticipated hellish outcome of abandonment-and preventing it from taking further root in our relationships and culture.” (104-105)

“In reality, vulnerability is not something we choose or that is true in a given moment, while the rest of time it is not. Rather, it is something we are. That is why we wear clothes, live in houses and have speed limits. So much of what we do in life is designed, among other things, to protect us from the fact that we are vulnerable at all times. To be human is to be vulnerable… Vulnerability is not a question of if but rather to what degree… in seeing the place of vulnerability in the pages of the Bible we cannot but help be amazed at its place and purpose. It begins in the beginning, where we are introduced to a vulnerable God. Vulnerable in the sense that he is open to wounding. Open to pain. Open to rejection. Open to death.” (120-121)

“We deeply long for connection, to be seen and known for who we are without rejection. But we are terrified of the vulnerability that is required for that very contact. And shame is the variable that mediates that fear of rejection in the face of vulnerability. But in the Trinity we see something that we must pay attention to: God does not leave. The loving relationship shared between Father, Son and Spirit is the ground on which all other models of life and creativity rest. In this relationship of constant self-giving, vulnerable and joyful love, shame has no oxygen to breathe.” (125)

“Those parts of us that feel most broken and that we keep most hidden are the parts that most desperately need to be known by God, so as to be loved and healed… God came to find Eve and Adam to provide them the opportunity to be known as he knows anything else. For only in those instances when our shamed parts are known do they stand a chance to be redeemed. We can love God, love ourselves or love others only to the degree that we are known by God and known by others.” (126)

Dr. Thompson taught us how to sit in, to sit with, how to embrace a compliment for 30 seconds so that it gets integrated into us, into our minds and hearts. (Maybe this is why, when I say, “I receive it” to someone’s compliment, it opens up my heart to truly receive?) What would happen if we would make that conscious decision EVERY time someone genuinely or maybe not so genuinely gave us a compliment? What do you think it would change for you? Would you begin seeing yourself in a different light? Would you give yourself more grace? Would you begin to believe who you are and who you are made to be? I truly believe being intentional with this will change our perspectives and aid in breaking the power of shame.

You see, God, my Father, your Father, sees you as invaluable, original, qualified and totally amazing. You are fully seen by Him! Maybe it’s time to let go of shame? Maybe it’s time to heal shame and be seen? What would the world look like should each one of us find healing from shame?

I am on this journey myself! I want to be fully redeemed! Just think of the vulnerability that Jesus went through on the cross so all those parts of us can be whole! It’s hard to fully fathom this! He paid for our freedom! I don’t know where you are in your journey or what you believe in, but I invite you to explore the freedom, the healing, and wholeness available through this Jesus! Will you join me?